Has your partner asked you to be more vocal during slippery season? Can you only think of one or two things to say and they’re both the same thing and it’s "oh yeah"? Have you tried out something new and it didn’t roll off the tongue like you’d hoped?

If you answered yes or no to any of the above, read on. I’ve got your back. As someone who’s picked from the Garden of Glands (humpy bumpy) at least once before, I’ve found the more vocal you are now, the less grief counseling you’ll need in a decade.

Sex is like tetherball for adults. You should be doing equations in your head at all times about the trajectory and velocity of a firm ball tied to a string. Often missing from those equations is the auditory output variables. Scientifically speaking: One big goose honk ain’t going to cut it.

So, here are my top 10 things to say during the big back scratch:

10. "Now how about that?"

Great opener and closer. It may lack some creativity but Rome wasn’t built in 30 seconds.

9. "What do you mean I have witch fingers?"

This one is more of a response, but it’s happened enough times that I’m legally obligated to include it.

My lawyers also informed me that if I lie about how long my toes are again (three cubic Newtons), I get the chair.

8. "I'm not normally this sweaty."

You are, and that’s okay. In reality, it shows your partner you're working hard. Or, you have a pituitary issue.

Which do you prefer? The sound of a cartoon slide or a cartoon piano crash? The answer lies in how stained your gray tee shirts are.

I’ve seen enough Gatorade commercials to know I’m not the only one with orange cascading down my frown lines on a frequent basis.

7. "A toast: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away."

This is a quote from Will Smith’s character Alex Hitchens in the critically acclaimed romantic comedy Hitch. I’ve never been able to get through the whole toast, but I imagine it would go over really well.

6. "How’s the scrote?"

The wildcard question with a cornucopia of possible responses.

5. "Oh shit."

An exclamation. A warning. An exchange of emotion. The often too common catalyst for staring at the ceiling fan mere moments later, scrambling for a new way to say “How was that for you?”

While on the surface, similar to “oh yeah”, “oh shit” demands a gravity that is unmatched in intimate, two word communication. Pure poetry.

4. "Have I ever told you about my (insert theory here) theory?"

When your partner inevitably says "Yes, you talk about it all the time." respond defensively with "Okay, explain it to me then." Correct them immediately when any minute detail is off. If you don’t have a well constructed theory on hand, feel free to use one of mine.

3. "Dipsy doo, dunkaroo!"

March Madness, anyone? Show that special somebody in your life you’re thinking of a 70 year old man during your holy union.

There’s nothing more comforting than the thought of punching your ticket to The Big Dance while simultaneously showing your partner you physically don’t know how to dance.

2. "Boom, baby!"

Risky, but Pacha didn’t risk leaving his hut on the hill to confront Cuzco for nothing. Bonus points if you can master both the John Goodman and David Spade versions.

1. "G-g-g-ghooooooost!!!"

My go-to. I’ve lost count of the number of ghouls and specters I’ve seen hovering in the dimly lit doorway of the bathroom near the bed.

If it weren’t for my darkest-corner-of-the-room, always-running Panasonic camcorders pointed every direction but my Casper branded Twinplet (twice the size of Twin, about eleven feet, long ways, so we can sleep head-toe head-toe) mattress, these paranormal sightings may have gone undocumented.


Change can be hard, but rewarding. If you’ve been as quiet as church mouse, try speaking from the chest pouch (your diaphragm). If you’ve been mute as the moon, try speaking from the chest balloon (also using the diaphragm).

If you happen to use any of these, let me know how it goes. If you happen to use all ten in a single outing, send me an email titled "My Name Is (your name there) And I Did The Thing". I’ll send you a complimentary* "I said all 10 things from a dumb thing Garrett wrote and I’ll I got was this tee shirt and now I’m lonely." tee shirt.

*It’s not complimentary and you’ll be invoiced for parts, labor, and my inflated cost of living.